Friday, June 29, 2012
DOGGONE VOICE: RELIC

Title: RELIC
Genre: YA Fantasy
I’ve died this way before.
Before, I stumbled into the wrong place at the wrong time. But now, from the burning in the stranger’s eyes, I know he has every intention of killing me.
I wonder, does he see her too?
Her name is Far. All my life, I have been haunted by memories. I don’t know about magic or destiny or death. But they do. There are thousands of memories and dozens of lives trapped inside me. Or maybe I am trapped inside them.
Far’s memories are the clearest, so close to the surface that sometimes I believe they’re my memories. That I am Far. That she is me.
Of course that can’t be true. I’m not Far.
I’m not.
But I can’t let it go. I can’t convince myself that I’m my own, separate person when one crucial piece of evidence is missing:Far never died. Her life cut short as if she ceased to exist.
And I can’t help but think it is has something to do with me.
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to recall how it feels to be stabbed. For once, the memories don’t appear.
His footsteps behind me grow louder. When I try to push myself up from the forest floor, my chest smashes back to the ground.
The footsteps stop. I hear his breathing behind me. A heavy inhale. A slow, relaxed exhale. I can’t see him, but I think he’s smiling.
Before, I stumbled into the wrong place at the wrong time. But now, from the burning in the stranger’s eyes, I know he has every intention of killing me.
I wonder, does he see her too?
Her name is Far. All my life, I have been haunted by memories. I don’t know about magic or destiny or death. But they do. There are thousands of memories and dozens of lives trapped inside me. Or maybe I am trapped inside them.
Far’s memories are the clearest, so close to the surface that sometimes I believe they’re my memories. That I am Far. That she is me.
Of course that can’t be true. I’m not Far.
I’m not.
But I can’t let it go. I can’t convince myself that I’m my own, separate person when one crucial piece of evidence is missing:Far never died. Her life cut short as if she ceased to exist.
And I can’t help but think it is has something to do with me.
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to recall how it feels to be stabbed. For once, the memories don’t appear.
His footsteps behind me grow louder. When I try to push myself up from the forest floor, my chest smashes back to the ground.
The footsteps stop. I hear his breathing behind me. A heavy inhale. A slow, relaxed exhale. I can’t see him, but I think he’s smiling.
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June(68)
- THAT DOGGONE VOICE WORKSHOP
- DOGGONE VOICE: PEREGRINE
- DOGGONE VOICE: BETTER LIVES
- DOGGONE VOICE: BROKEN
- DOGGONE VOICE: MIRRORMASTERS
- DOGGONE VOICE: SPARK
- DOGGONE VOICE: SHADOWS OF DESTINY
- DOGGONE VOICE: WHERE THERE IS DARK
- DOGGONE VOICE: CROW'S REST (WIP)
- DOGGONE VOICE: FINDING ESTA
- DOGGONE VOICE: WHAT HAPPENS IN WATER
- DOGGONE VOICE: ABEL PIRATES
- DOGGONE VOICE: STARRY KNIGHT
- DOGGONE VOICE: FIRE'S KISS
- DOGGONE VOICE: KISSING FROGS
- DOGGONE VOICE: HARVESTER
- DOGGONE VOICE: THE SHIFTING DARKNESS
- DOGGONE VOICE: FREEBORN
- DOGGONE VOICE: RELIC
- DOGGONE VOICE: SHE CAME FROM THE HILL
- DOGGONE VOICE: LOVE IN REAL LIFE
- DOGGONE VOICE: SYLVAN LEGACY
- DOGGONE VOICE EXT: TAGESTRAUM
- DOGGONE VOICE EXT: THE UNLEASHING
- DOGGONE VOICE EXT: HAUNTED LEGACY
- DOGGONE VOICE EXT: SOUTHERN FORTUNE
- DOGGONE VOICE EXT: NIRVANA, INC.
- Entangle an editor with your pitch!
- THAT DOGGONE VOICE WORKSHOP ... entry winners
- New Workshop on Voice ... it's not as elusive as y...
- The Writer's Voice ... another success story (sort...
- Super Intern Contest ... winners and wrap-up
- Super Intern Contest ... starts now!
- Super Intern Contest - DRAGONS ARE PEOPLE, TOO
- Super Intern Contest - BETTER LIVES
- Super Intern Contest - WHAT THE WATER GAVE US
- Super Intern Contest - FIRE'S KISS
- Super Intern Contest - VIS DECOR: ALPHI
- Super Intern Contest - RACE TO BUTCH CASSIDY'S GO...
- Super Intern Contest - BROKEN
- Super Intern Contest - AN ABSENCE OF LIGHT
- Super Intern Contest - AND JAKOB FLEW THE FIEND A...
- Super Intern Contest - UNDER THE TREES
- Super Intern Contest - TWO PRINCESSES, ONE PRINCE...
- Super Intern Contest - DEAD SISTER DAYS
- Super Intern Contest - MY PROTECTOR: THE CALLING
- Super Intern Contest - GRACEFUL DEATH
- Super Intern Contest - THE IMAGINING OF ISADORA V...
- Super Intern Contest - OUTSIDE IN
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- Super Intern Contest - PLUGGED IN
- Super Intern Contest - DIAMOND TEARS
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- Super Intern Contest - DAUGHTER OF THE MOON
- Super Intern Contest - CROSSING THE DEEP
- Super Intern Contest - ONLY ONE TIME
- Super Intern Contest - NUMBER BLUE
- Super Intern Contest - THE UNLEASHING
- Super Intern Contest - PELE AND YO-YO
- Super Intern Contest - FREEBORN
- Super Intern Contest - COVETED
- Super Intern Contest - I, SPY
- Super Intern Contest - GRIPPED
- BE HERE NOW: A Writer's Auction to Raise Funds for...
- Super Intern Contest ... entry winners
- A Pitch Madness Success ... the interview
- The Writer's Voice ... a success story
- Super Intern Contest
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Blog Archive
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▼
2012
(279)
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▼
June
(68)
- THAT DOGGONE VOICE WORKSHOP
- DOGGONE VOICE: PEREGRINE
- DOGGONE VOICE: BETTER LIVES
- DOGGONE VOICE: BROKEN
- DOGGONE VOICE: MIRRORMASTERS
- DOGGONE VOICE: SPARK
- DOGGONE VOICE: SHADOWS OF DESTINY
- DOGGONE VOICE: WHERE THERE IS DARK
- DOGGONE VOICE: CROW'S REST (WIP)
- DOGGONE VOICE: FINDING ESTA
- DOGGONE VOICE: WHAT HAPPENS IN WATER
- DOGGONE VOICE: ABEL PIRATES
- DOGGONE VOICE: STARRY KNIGHT
- DOGGONE VOICE: FIRE'S KISS
- DOGGONE VOICE: KISSING FROGS
- DOGGONE VOICE: HARVESTER
- DOGGONE VOICE: THE SHIFTING DARKNESS
- DOGGONE VOICE: FREEBORN
- DOGGONE VOICE: RELIC
- DOGGONE VOICE: SHE CAME FROM THE HILL
- DOGGONE VOICE: LOVE IN REAL LIFE
- DOGGONE VOICE: SYLVAN LEGACY
- DOGGONE VOICE EXT: TAGESTRAUM
- DOGGONE VOICE EXT: THE UNLEASHING
- DOGGONE VOICE EXT: HAUNTED LEGACY
- DOGGONE VOICE EXT: SOUTHERN FORTUNE
- DOGGONE VOICE EXT: NIRVANA, INC.
- Entangle an editor with your pitch!
- THAT DOGGONE VOICE WORKSHOP ... entry winners
- New Workshop on Voice ... it's not as elusive as y...
- The Writer's Voice ... another success story (sort...
- Super Intern Contest ... winners and wrap-up
- Super Intern Contest ... starts now!
- Super Intern Contest - DRAGONS ARE PEOPLE, TOO
- Super Intern Contest - BETTER LIVES
- Super Intern Contest - WHAT THE WATER GAVE US
- Super Intern Contest - FIRE'S KISS
- Super Intern Contest - VIS DECOR: ALPHI
- Super Intern Contest - RACE TO BUTCH CASSIDY'S GO...
- Super Intern Contest - BROKEN
- Super Intern Contest - AN ABSENCE OF LIGHT
- Super Intern Contest - AND JAKOB FLEW THE FIEND A...
- Super Intern Contest - UNDER THE TREES
- Super Intern Contest - TWO PRINCESSES, ONE PRINCE...
- Super Intern Contest - DEAD SISTER DAYS
- Super Intern Contest - MY PROTECTOR: THE CALLING
- Super Intern Contest - GRACEFUL DEATH
- Super Intern Contest - THE IMAGINING OF ISADORA V...
- Super Intern Contest - OUTSIDE IN
- Super Intern Contest - SHE CAME FROM THE HILL
- Super Intern Contest - PLUGGED IN
- Super Intern Contest - DIAMOND TEARS
- Super Intern Contest - DUALITY
- Super Intern Contest - DAUGHTER OF THE MOON
- Super Intern Contest - CROSSING THE DEEP
- Super Intern Contest - ONLY ONE TIME
- Super Intern Contest - NUMBER BLUE
- Super Intern Contest - THE UNLEASHING
- Super Intern Contest - PELE AND YO-YO
- Super Intern Contest - FREEBORN
- Super Intern Contest - COVETED
- Super Intern Contest - I, SPY
- Super Intern Contest - GRIPPED
- BE HERE NOW: A Writer's Auction to Raise Funds for...
- Super Intern Contest ... entry winners
- A Pitch Madness Success ... the interview
- The Writer's Voice ... a success story
- Super Intern Contest
-
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June
(68)
About me...
I write young adult and middle grade novels. I'm represented by Peter Knapp at Park Literary. Look for my debut young adult novel, LIBRARY JUMPERS releasing February, 2014.
Writing Links
- Peter Knapp: The Emperor of Ice Cream
- Park Literary
- Month9Books
- Query Tracker
- Publishers Marketplace
- The Association of Authors' Representatives
- Yapping About YA
- Science Fiction & Fantasy Writers of America
- Grammar Girl - Quick and Dirty Tips
- Pimp My Novel
- Guide to Literary Agents
- Evil Editor
- Absolute Write
- Agent Query
- Help I Need A Publisher

First line – BAM. You’ve got me. I’m yours for a few pages, at least. Gotta find out what the heck she’s talking about.
ReplyDeleteAnd then…yeah. I have no complaints. This is PERFECT. You somehow managed to give me an insane amount of background and make me FEEL like I was in your MC’s head. I think it was the fast-paced sentences, and the mixture of live-experience reporting and background information.
YAY!!! This is how it’s done, in my book.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWhat an absolutely wonderful start and what a wonderful voice. I feel like I'm right there with the MC as the action unfolds, while knowing enough to understand what's happening.
ReplyDeleteRight now, I'm very intrigued by your MC. Her? voice is distinct and that perfect balance between active and reflective. My only point of worry is that after this opening, I would like to be more grounded in the rest of the story too. Based on this I'm convinced you're a very talented writer and you know well how to keep the balance, but I just wanted to point it out to you. You give a lot of information in these first 250, give the reader some time to digest it too.
After all, based on this I believe I already know your MC and I am totally and completely hooked. So you have a little room to play with :) GREAT job!
The voice is very good here, and I'm intrigued by the opening. That said, I'm confused, though. Is the guy trying to murder her or murder Far? Is this just a vision she's having? The way she wonders if the guy can see Far makes me think he's trying to kill our MC. I'm thinking I'd make that clearer.
ReplyDeleteI think the fourth paragraph would read better if you separated it like this...
'Her name is Far.
All my life, I have been haunted by memories. I don’t know about magic or destiny or death. But they do. There are thousands of memories and dozens of lives trapped inside me. Or maybe I am trapped inside them.'
This story is very intriguing, and hopefully, frightening. Loved it!
I agree that this is a great voice and a very strong opening, right from the first line. It's vivid, it's interesting, it's intriguing. There's a strong sense of character and scene without telling. My only few notes are below.
ReplyDeleteIN-LINE CRITS:
I’ve died this way before. (Really well-played.)
Before, I stumbled into the wrong place at the wrong time. But now, from the burning in the stranger’s eyes, I know he has every intention of killing me.
I wonder, does he see her too?
Her name is Far. All my life, I have been haunted by memories. I don’t know about magic or destiny or death. But they do. There are thousands of memories and dozens of lives trapped inside me. Or maybe I am trapped inside them.
Far’s memories are the clearest, so close to the surface that sometimes I believe they’re my memories. That I am Far. That she is me.
Of course that can’t be true. I’m not Far.
I’m not.
But I can’t let it go. I can’t convince myself that I’m my own, separate person when one crucial piece of evidence is missing: Far never died. Her life cut short as if she ceased to exist. (This part confuses me. She never died, but her life was cut short? It seems to be a contradiction. It's possible that it makes sense as the story goes on, but careful of that line between lyrically parceling out the plot and being so vague and mysterious that readers give up. I certainly wouldn't give up here by a longshot; it's more just something to keep an eye on overall.)
And I can’t help but think it is has something to do with me.
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to recall how it feels to be stabbed. For once, the memories don’t appear.
His footsteps behind me grow louder. When I try to push myself up from the forest floor, my chest smashes back to the ground. (Why? Because her arms are tired and give out? Or because something is pressing down on her? It might just be me, but this detail makes a difference.)
The footsteps stop. I hear his breathing behind me. A heavy inhale. A slow, relaxed exhale. I can’t see him, but I think he’s smiling.